Famous People Answer: Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

I substitute taught this morning in freshman and sophomore English. The teacher, Jan Meester, has taped articles and anecdotes about the English language and its misuses on her wall. While the students inserted commas in poorly punctuated sentences, I read through a number of these articles. One included a list of answers to the oft asked question: Why did the chicken cross the road.

I loved it. The really fascinating part for me was found in the believability of the answers based on the character of the one giving the answers. The answers were funny because they expressed a unique world view by the assignee of the answer. While I know these answers are not given by the people getting credit for giving them, it is telling that answers can be made up that seem plausible to the one getting the assignation. Read and tell me if I'm not right.
Enjoy!
(answers taken from a forwarded e-mail)

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialog with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not . The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hard working American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.


GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2009, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2009. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

PLATO: For the greater good.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

HILLARY CLINTON: That's what I'd like to know. Why DID the chicken cross the road?! But this administration is operating in secrecy, witholding important information from the American people, about how many chickens crossed the road and why they crossed it.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I have a dream! I have a dream of a day, when ALL chickens can cross ALL roads without having their motives called into question!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. Alone. In the rain.

OFFICIAL CHICKEN REPRESENTATIVE: Because he wanted to. Do you not think that maybe chickens have rights too? If you crossed the road no one would question you.


Just more thoughts from the tub.